Both the Powerball and Mega Millions jackpots were hit a few days ago. And it seems like recently, these jackpots keep building and building to HUGE numbers! Someone has to win, right?

Technically, that is true. Someone does win. It just won’t be you. Or anyone you know.

According to a study that Geoff Sheen completely made up, no one actually wins the lottery. A random name is generated and a stage actor shows up at a press conference to claim they won. Then the Illuminati keeps the money to continue their world domination. This is DOCUMENTED, folks!

And that’s why we need to stage an intervention for Sarah Pepper. Because every time there’s a large jackpot, she comes into the studio to explain HOW she’s going to win, WHY she has figured out how to win, WHAT she’s going to do with the money, WHEN she’s going to retire from radio (leaving us to find a new co-host), and WHO she’s going to spend some of the money on (we have to admit, she’s very charitable).

Yet she will never win. Because no one does. We hate to see her feel so deflated EVERY SINGLE TIME she doesn’t win. Or come close.

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